Frustration is one of the utmost worst feelings I think I could ever have. However, that pretty much sums up today as a whole for me. Sure, it's the first day of March and that should be an oh so exciting moment for me...and it was...until I got about four different possible dates as to when I'll see my husband again. That's what turned this whole day...to complete shit. (yeah, excuse my language) You see, waiting seven months to see my husband again hasn't been what kills me, I could wait forever for him, I would and I will. What kills you is the constant feeling of the "unknown". Not knowing when the next time you will hear his voice is, not knowing when you will be able to feel him laying next to you in bed, not knowing when or if he is in any kind of danger, yet all the while knowing he's in danger constantly. I had to come to terms with the fact that I could be widowed at the age of 20. Not every 20 year old girl has to face that thought, and believe you me, it is one that is always haunting my mind; because whether I like it or not, I have absolutely NO control over any of it, I just have to sit back, watch and wait.
So back to my crappy day. I heard dates ranging from early to late, near, far and everything in between. At this point, I DON'T CARE when he's coming home, I just want him HOME and I want to know a round about date to look forward to. Just God, PLEASE give me something to lean towards. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of feeling incomplete, I'm tired of having this huge pit in the bottom of my stomach.
I had a feeling he was going to call and right before Titan and I were fixing to lay down, he did. Boy was I beyond happy to hear that voice. Then I hear "I only have a few minutes." A few minutes?! A FEW MINUTES?! But I have soooooooo much to tell you I can't possibly sum it all up in a few minutes! Not to mention within our seven minute phone call, the satellite phone cut out only six times. Perfect. Before I knew it he was telling me he had to go, and yet we had not had a real conversation...at all. And the frustration starts flowing again. Here's to hoping that I really will wake up to a phone call like he said he would do. Although, I know it's nearly impossible to keep a promise when you're three worlds away...I get it and I've never once blamed him for any of that, for any of this, for any of my feelings...ever.
All in all, I just want my husband. It gets to a point where you don't want to be strong anymore, you don't want to be positive and you just want to sleep the days away, literally and wake up in those arms. And let me tell you, if I could...I would. I know lots of people say "don't wish your life away" but what kind of life am I living without my husband? I'm not. I don't think he understands the amount of frustration I'm feeling, and maybe he doesn't need to because he's still there and he's still got to focus; I guess that's why my guts are being poured out onto this computer screen as if it's going to make anything better. Whether it feels like it or not, time is still ticking away and time is just getting closer and closer until I'm with my husband again. THANK GOD.
F*** YOU DEPLOYMENT. I'm so done with you. Give me my husband.
Mrs. Truelove<3
P.S. I really do love you more.
No comments:
Post a Comment